Something just changed in me that night, I haven’t felt like myself lately, and maybe it’s a good thing I’ve changed and I should just get used to it. It’s just that something doesn’t feel right about the way things are now. I feel like I’m in a crazy demented nightmare and I can’t wake up. Which is why I take unnecessary risks now because I don’t feel like any of it is real. I need to feel the exhilaration of being alive, and for me that is not the monotony of everyday life. I can’t be normal. I don’t see myself ever having the perfect family with a husband, two children and a white picket fence. I yearn for adventure. I want to test the limits of this life, of this body. My parents don’t understand this. ‘Be grateful’ they say ‘Be happy your alive’ they tell me. The thing they will never get is I am not fighting to die, I am fighting to stay alive. I could die at any minute just like they could and if I wanna do something I do it out of impulse there’s no thought or feeling of consequence anymore. Unlike them, my parents, I will not be safe, I will not be careful and wait for my life to be taken. It’s like I was half of a person before that day. A ghost. When I used to look in a mirror I didn’t see myself. My eyes seemed hollow like there was nothing left but one last secret. I can’t see myself being in a good position in this life, maybe I’m not willing to work hard enough or maybe I’m just not capable of making something out of what I got, or maybe I was never capable, or worthy in the first place. I do know this if I know nothing else I am alive today for a purpose if not I would have died in that crash.