The 5 seasons of loneliness for a 20-something

So often we have had relationships, romantic or non-romantic and they leave only pieces of us behind after they’re over. The person takes little things from you here and there, the person also destroys little parts of yourself that you used to love. You can’t stay broken forever, someone has to fix it, someone has to fix those parts that were mangled by another human. Most likely 9 times out of 10 it’s going to be you. And it is a journey that only you can walk alone. The journey to self discovery, recovery and becoming who you really are without toxic people.
Step 1: Acknowledging being alone
Often when we feel lonely after a break up or the end of a friendship or even a fight with a loved one, we tend to try and fill our days with random things as to not be alone. For example sometimes I would reach out to people I don’t particularly like to go out for dinner or drinks just because I didn’t want to sit at home with my Labrador and watch a whole season of Grey’s Anatomy…again. After I was declined several times or bailed on by these people I didn’t like, I decided to acknowledge the fact I was alone. No real friends in the area to just pop up on and have a movie marathon with or eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Instead of forcing myself I accepted my loneliness. I was in fact alone.
1st season: Self-loathing
At first accepting the aloneness feels awful. I mean who wants to be 21 and alone on a Friday night after working 8 hours? No one. I felt as though there was something wrong with me. You may feel this way too. ‘Why do people hate me?’ You may ask. It’s not that they hate you or are against you, it is that they are for themselves. Right now you hold all the power in your hands because this is where you take the time to think about you. Some things you can think about are #1: How you end up in bad relationship, after bad relationship, or #2: Why you perhaps push perfectly good people away? It will suck digging through those terrible feelings and that is where the self loathing will begin. You will have nothing to do with your free time other than hate the position you are in now. That’s okay, you will move past this.

2nd season: Coping with loneliness
After getting over the self-loathing part, eating, and wishing you had the type of supportive friends like you see on the early 2000’s teen show One Tree Hill (if you have never seen this, compare to 90’s show Friends) you will develop coping mechanisms. They are different for everyone. I for one like to immerse myself in young adult fiction (young adult series are best for prolonged instances of loneliness). Other people might take up knitting, or running/other forms of exercise. The bold fellow loners will think about group exercise classes or hiking groups where they may meet new people. However you cope make sure to pick something other than feeling sorry for yourself.

Step 2: Learning to repair what was broken
This step is very essential to feeling complete and feeling alright with being alone. Toxic relationships are no joke, and they take a toll on us emotionally. It takes some time to really recuperate and become who we really are again. Skipping this step will do you no good, since inevitably unresolved feelings will come up again, and they will manifest themselves in ugly ways. One of my favorite things to do is ignore feelings and pretend they don’t exist. It was a way to cope with pain for me. Only I would lash out at everyone around me if I was feeling crappy instead of just picking someone I found trustworthy and just talking about it. It is incredibly hard to open up to people about painful situations you were in, but it is better to let it out than keep it in. If you keep it in, no one will ever want to be around you, ever.

3rd season: Accepting your job as you
You are the captain of your own ship, master of your own soul. No matter how badly someone hurt you or knocked you down. You have the option to stay on the ground, or to ride again. None of us get a free pass to just blame everyone in our lives for our misery, and you can’t depend upon one person for happiness. If you are miserable or unhappy with something, there is something inside of YOU that’s broken or Un-healed, and guess what? It is up to YOU to fix it. Contrary to popular belief, wishing on a star doesn’t work. Neither does waiting on a vapid prince to come ‘rescue you’. Believe me I’ve tried. I would love if things were that easy but they simply are not. We learn through pain and the learning makes us grow into who we are. You have a lot of work to do to fight and be YOU and hopefully that fight continues your whole life. There are many people who let what other people think they should be poison who they are. Don’t be that person. Don’t let someone else be the captain of your ship. Take time and appreciate the freedom and the view from the top as you gaze upon the billions of people who look to someone else for self validation.


4th season: You are your own worst enemy

This season is very similar to the one mentioned above, except this season is the one in which we fight our hardest against. This season makes it difficult to accept your job as you. Why? Because we all have these little evil voices in our head that tells us that we aren’t good enough, it tells us that if one person hurt us, what’s to say that everyone isn’t the same? For most this voice is present with them throughout the day when making any sort of decision. You are stupid, no one loves you, why do you try, you aren’t pretty enough, or cool enough- they say (they being the voices). Those are some of the kinder things my evil voice says to me, I’ve heard worse. If you have ever been in any sort of toxic relationship, then you well know that these voices only become louder. The reason is likely because the person you were with was always pointing out your worst qualities and after taking in that toxicity for so long, you began to believe it. The good positive voices were no longer present letting in the clean oxygenated air into your brain, so to speak. This being said after you work on repairing what was broken it is easy to be paranoid and think that people are talking bad about you or don’t like you. These things are magnified when you are alone because you may be the only one in Barnes and noble cafe drinking a chai tea latte by yourself while others chat with their friends or study in groups or gossip about celebrities in magazines (I may or may not have had this experience myself). It is rarely the case. People really don’t care that your there alone and you shouldn’t either.
5th season: Me, Myself, and possibly someone else?

To be completely clear I know that we as humans can not survive on bread alone. We need acceptance, love, and companionship. So if you are in the 5th season you may be seriously thinking about someone to talk to, confide in, and have fun with. The thing about this season is that you are not ready to be social yet. Although you may be thinking about it, you aren’t going to jump out of bed in the morning to join a hiking meet up group. At this stage planning to not be alone is enough. One too many Friday nights drinking beer and eating pizza will wear on you. Beware of voices in your head and talking pets. This is a sure sign that you are in the 5th season and ready to find the people who illuminate the best in you.

Stay tuned and subscribe so you can read my next article: a continuation of the one above ‘1 slice in a pie: Finding people who belong in your life’.

When will we stop?

When do we realize what binds you and I?
All apart of this earth
All friends of the wind and sky

We were birthed here on this planet

One in the same

So why do we shame our sisters?

Why do we tear down our brothers?

Is your love not the same love as mine?

Do we not feel pain the same, or feel the same rain on our skin?

Let love in.

When do we stop?

Stop the hatred

The bigotry

The ignorance

Hate, murder, rape, disaster, shooting

Comes out of the stories heard on CNN

Have we gotten anywhere?

Have we learned anything from our history way back when?

Culture, color, language, race, and belief

Are all blessings from above

The free will granted 

So we can learn how to love

How we love the colors in the autumn as the leaves fall

How we love the different seasons as they change at their due time

So why is it we keep committing hate crimes

Oh when will we stop

When will you stop?

Hating the others for the differences you can see

Equality is preached but separation is what will be 

Media penetrates our minds 

We watch the world only through one lens

When will we stop?

Only when we see each other 

As the kaleidoscope of colors 

Every color a different shape morphing into one another

Each one as beautiful

Each one in unity 

It appears to me

We must stop

STOP.

Museum Inspired Poems #1

Dreams of the day

Monotony of the night

No matter what I do to dance off the demons

They fight against me

They sit beside me 

Dampening my will

Darkening my soul

Fight through the pain

Leap over the depression

Plié the bad thoughts away

Dark maiden beside me leave me be

There’s no room for doubts

This bench isn’t big enough for two

Walk back into the rainy night from which you came 

I will achieve my fame 

My ankle is sore, my heart is aching 

Tonight I will twirl

Tonight I will show a grand cabriole 

Women in black 

Leave 

Demon in black get out of here

Go away

  

Red Dress 

The girl with no name

The girl with the shame

Wears the red dress

So everyone can see

What a disgrace she seems to be

No hiding

No crying

She looks down knowing that they know

The secrets she’s kept 

The demons she hides

She won’t tilt her head up to look anyone in their eyes

As long as she wears the red dress

She will be alone

No love to call her own

It was a white dress

A wolf turned red

The night she took a stroll through the midnight city

Red, a scarlet color of blood 

Drained out of her, until her skin was white and her dress was red

A defining mark 

Victim of the beast

Don’t ever walk alone in the dark

Now she waits, now she wanders

In the hazy moonlight hours 

Stricken in her sorrow

Knowing she shall never see tomorrow

No light she will see 

No color she will see

None but the blackness of night and the crimson of her dress