Aside

A Letter from My Future Self

You made it.You thought you couldn’t but here you are

You’ve traveled near and far

Through hardwork, pain, and suffering

You have reached your main goal

You have lived the life you have imagined

Conquered every dragon

Jumped through every ring of fire

Sustained many burns

But through every hoop you learned

You have earned your spot in this world

You deserve the happiness you have today

Please do your best to keep it do not give it away

But share your journey

Share your heartache

Through your stories

Continue to think with your head but also leave room for your heart

Silly girl

You thought you’d never make it this far

For goodness sake

You spent all the hours of everyday

Trying to make a way

Impossible some told you

You are nothing others said

The things you thought all along whilst you lay there in your bed

You proved your tireless mind wrong

You mastered your fate

Always know dear that it’s never too late

Or too early

To be who you want to be

And who you want to be is me
Love,

Your future self

Advertisements
Aside

When you don’t know what you are

If you read the title you may be thinking I’m writing a message about gender identity or labels…but no I’m not writing about that. This is about my never ending journey towards self-discovery and figuring out who I am. You may not care or identify with this and that is okay, for each person paves his/her own path.

I have often thought that I am an introvert and I suppose that is halfway true. I think deeply and for the most part I keep my thoughts to myself and I can find enjoyment in being alone. 

The reason I believe that half the time I am not is because when I am happy in life and I believe things are going well I can be the most extroverted person. Embracing new people and new experiences. Also I give out love and light when I walk down the street amongst a crowd of strangers. I am smiley, funny, and have many things to talk about. The sun seems brighter and trees are greener. Rain doesn’t bother me and there is always an upside. I love this side of myself. I love being that person. This version of me is not an introvert. 

  
The other version of me thinks way to much and doesn’t know what to say to people because I don’t think they’ll understand. I am likely going through a harsh trial in life or within myself. During these periods I become like a brown recluse. If you know anything about those spiders you know that they like dark places such as closets and are usually alone. I will avoid human contact. Feeling odd in crowds and at social gatherings I normally enjoy. I stop speaking to friends I’ve known for years on a regular basis. I get tongue tied and can’t express myself. I become completely introspective, building a wall brick by brick to seal myself into my own private hell. The sun is dim during these periods. Colors are dull. One good thing about this side of me is that I get to catch up on reading, which I love. You may be thinking ‘Hey dummy you’re probably depressed or bipolar’ However I am certain I am not depressed while being this other version of myself . I’ve been depressed before and although it seems quite similar, it doesn’t affect my everyday life. I don’t sleep all the time or feel a weight of unbearable sadness. I just get so into my own mind, and figuring out my next move that I forget anything else exists. I unfortunately do not give out much love or light during this time. I wish I could, and I put forth my best effort, but it feels forced and fake. I prefer to let myself feel how I’m feeling no matter how low or how high. It seems to me that the reason I can’t is because I’m trying to recover and all the love I have is barely enough to keep myself afloat. 

  
I’ve noticed this pattern in myself for at least 5 years. I used to think there was something wrong with me. I took the necessary steps to check and as it turns out I am technically and medically speaking I am normal.

The introverted part of me persists more often, because I’ve gotten used to being alone, and comfortable with it. I saw that if I was alone and kept inside my shell that there was no risk in getting hurt or developing expectations of other people only to be let down. The introversion I experience can last anywhere from 6 months to a year or so. Same with the extroversion. Sometimes they overlap. During introversion I sometimes get bored and think I want to go out and have friends and I wonder why I push people away, and then I go out and I wonder why I even try. ‘Why didn’t I just stay home?’ I think. The opposite happens when I’m in my moments of extroversion. 

My personality type is pretty difficult to understand. I have never been good with speaking or communication, which is obviously necessary for any relationship, or friendship. People who have stuck by me and never left I salute you. (There aren’t that many I assure you). 

Either way I am an introvert in this present moment in time. I am having a night where I wish I wasn’t. I am having one of those nights where I panic because I feel my life passing me by and in my mind I believe that everyone else has great experiences and does great things except for me. 

I don’t have a category. I am not mentally ill. I am not normal enough to fit in with the mainstream people, and I am not weird enough for the weird people. Nor am I geeky enough to be with geeks. I am slowly coming into my own and learning to be okay with the fact that I am a hexagonal prism in a world seemingly filled with 2 dimensional squares. I am all over the place and yet put together. Shy but outgoing. Artistic and pragmatic. Complex and simple. Happy and sad. Also, I am still trying to figure out how all of this is possible. 

Aside

11/13/2015

This world is falling apart.      

There is no more stalling that inevitable fate

Always bad news on tv

I watch and see , eyes filled with despair

Is it unfair human error or wickedness I see
It consumes me, and penetrates my mind with terrible thoughts            

‘Worst drought in history, this man raped a child‘.                                                                  Who is it?

It’s a mystery.

These are headlines I hear

Paris attacked!    

  It’s another act of terror, a terrorist attack!  

‘People running in fear’                                    

‘A bloody mess’ They said.                   

           ‘Over a hundred confirmed dead’

Anxiety grows and takes root in my heart

Cutting off air supply 

I can’t breathe

I no longer cry for the lost

Desensitized from seeing terror all the time…everywhere

It becomes too much for my anxious heart to bare 
I pretend it’s all fine,  far away, across the sea                                                

These horrible things won’t happen where I stay, they can’t happen to me

Still my anxious heart controls my head

What if I’m the next victim dead

What if the next stranger on the corner of the street 

Is the one to end my life

Will I be another unnamed person missing in action because of a masked persons fatal attraction?
I can’t stop my anxious heart from wondering

Who will be next?

When will the bomb drop?

When will the gun sound?

Who will pull the trigger?

  
I do not claim the rights to these pictures,

Aside

Generation Y

Take a drink Take another sip

Hit that blunt 

Do not think

Who are you to question the injustices

Who are you to speak up

Don’t feel the pain 

Stay numb

Be like us

Trust us 

Fill your life with lust

Stay dumb

A generation…Numb

Blind to the distraction the men in suits give you 

Not to pay attention

So you won’t take action

Keep on going until you get your satisfaction 

Self medicated

To forget the self you hated

I plead with you to read

Educate yourselves young men and women

We are the future

Rise up and rise above oppression

Show others love

Do not shrink back 

Be the change

Aside

The Lows

Life takes a turn
Leaves us to crash and burn

In the obstacles of our destiny

We fight against the change

Keep trying to stay the same

Consistency doesn’t exist 

For the only thing constant is change

No permanent torment

No permanent happiness

It’s just….life

I thank you life for the good in goodbye

For the strength in walking away

The lows taught me to be strong

The highs taught me to be grateful

Now my heart is full

I learned how to stand tall

I won’t call on you anymore

Asking ‘why me’

Saying ‘poor me’

I’m not sorry

I am not ashamed of sadness and despair

They make me

I won’t let them break me

Love taught me to be selfless

I now think about my self less

I will no longer stress over the lows

For every low 

There is a high