When you don’t know what you are

If you read the title you may be thinking I’m writing a message about gender identity or labels…but no I’m not writing about that. This is about my never ending journey towards self-discovery and figuring out who I am. You may not care or identify with this and that is okay, for each person paves his/her own path.

I have often thought that I am an introvert and I suppose that is halfway true. I think deeply and for the most part I keep my thoughts to myself and I can find enjoyment in being alone. 

The reason I believe that half the time I am not is because when I am happy in life and I believe things are going well I can be the most extroverted person. Embracing new people and new experiences. Also I give out love and light when I walk down the street amongst a crowd of strangers. I am smiley, funny, and have many things to talk about. The sun seems brighter and trees are greener. Rain doesn’t bother me and there is always an upside. I love this side of myself. I love being that person. This version of me is not an introvert. 

  
The other version of me thinks way to much and doesn’t know what to say to people because I don’t think they’ll understand. I am likely going through a harsh trial in life or within myself. During these periods I become like a brown recluse. If you know anything about those spiders you know that they like dark places such as closets and are usually alone. I will avoid human contact. Feeling odd in crowds and at social gatherings I normally enjoy. I stop speaking to friends I’ve known for years on a regular basis. I get tongue tied and can’t express myself. I become completely introspective, building a wall brick by brick to seal myself into my own private hell. The sun is dim during these periods. Colors are dull. One good thing about this side of me is that I get to catch up on reading, which I love. You may be thinking ‘Hey dummy you’re probably depressed or bipolar’ However I am certain I am not depressed while being this other version of myself . I’ve been depressed before and although it seems quite similar, it doesn’t affect my everyday life. I don’t sleep all the time or feel a weight of unbearable sadness. I just get so into my own mind, and figuring out my next move that I forget anything else exists. I unfortunately do not give out much love or light during this time. I wish I could, and I put forth my best effort, but it feels forced and fake. I prefer to let myself feel how I’m feeling no matter how low or how high. It seems to me that the reason I can’t is because I’m trying to recover and all the love I have is barely enough to keep myself afloat. 

  
I’ve noticed this pattern in myself for at least 5 years. I used to think there was something wrong with me. I took the necessary steps to check and as it turns out I am technically and medically speaking I am normal.

The introverted part of me persists more often, because I’ve gotten used to being alone, and comfortable with it. I saw that if I was alone and kept inside my shell that there was no risk in getting hurt or developing expectations of other people only to be let down. The introversion I experience can last anywhere from 6 months to a year or so. Same with the extroversion. Sometimes they overlap. During introversion I sometimes get bored and think I want to go out and have friends and I wonder why I push people away, and then I go out and I wonder why I even try. ‘Why didn’t I just stay home?’ I think. The opposite happens when I’m in my moments of extroversion. 

My personality type is pretty difficult to understand. I have never been good with speaking or communication, which is obviously necessary for any relationship, or friendship. People who have stuck by me and never left I salute you. (There aren’t that many I assure you). 

Either way I am an introvert in this present moment in time. I am having a night where I wish I wasn’t. I am having one of those nights where I panic because I feel my life passing me by and in my mind I believe that everyone else has great experiences and does great things except for me. 

I don’t have a category. I am not mentally ill. I am not normal enough to fit in with the mainstream people, and I am not weird enough for the weird people. Nor am I geeky enough to be with geeks. I am slowly coming into my own and learning to be okay with the fact that I am a hexagonal prism in a world seemingly filled with 2 dimensional squares. I am all over the place and yet put together. Shy but outgoing. Artistic and pragmatic. Complex and simple. Happy and sad. Also, I am still trying to figure out how all of this is possible. 

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One thought on “When you don’t know what you are

  1. Remember
    Remember all the times gone by
    Like pictures rolled across the sky
    Questioning the reason why
    Where do we go when hence we die
    Experiences good and bad
    The lives we’ve lived both happy and sad
    For all of it I’m oh so glad
    We’ve learned so much from the times we’ve had
    Remembering can be so hard
    Each time upon the path we trod
    The wheel keeps turning, a different ‘bod’
    We have our faith and trust in God

    Grandpa

    Liked by 1 person

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