I like most people am afraid.
It feels good to let that realization out of my system so I don’t have to carry it around with me and pretend like I don’t have this ever present fear dwelling inside of me.
What am I afraid of you may wonder? I have just finished my first college class–it was an easy class, but now I am moving on to Intro to Psychology and Intro to Creative Writing. I am afraid that I am not smart enough to pass these classes. I am afraid that I don’t have enough time. I am afraid that I will build my hopes up and let myself think I am smart enough to earn a bachelor’s degree in English and creative writing only to fail. I am afraid to try. Mostly I am afraid of being great and also of not being great. It seems pretty insane when I write it down this way, but it is possible to want something so bad and yet not want it at all. I wish one day to write important things, grand things, things that may change someone’s life the way my life was changed by words. It feels so terrible and wonderful to know that we are not alone in this world. There are dreamers, thinkers, doers, and creators in this world. Perhaps they were all once afraid to try. I’m certain all of the great poets, writers, and authors were once rejected and torn down by every shut door and every no they ever heard. They did not let that fear keep them away. They did not let that fear extinguish their fire. No they did not let fear of rejection get to them. For they had a need to write down and share the words that spiraled in their minds waking and sleeping. If Oscar Wilde, F. Scott Fitzgerald, or Jane Austen are anything like me the unwritten words inside their heads would make them truly go insane.
I can’t keep my creativity hidden away. I won’t let the fear get to me. There are important things to be done in each person’s life for we are all given gifts, and what is a gift if we cannot share the joy of that gift with others. I was afraid to start this very blog. I thought no one would read it or care about the words I had so carefully written. For the most part I get a couple of likes and views here and there, and for now it is enough. It is more than what I thought I’d get and I appreciate each and every person that takes the time to read the work I share. What kept me going when I wanted to quit this blog was a simple comment on one of my poems titled “Bulletproof”. The lady commented and said it was just what she needed. That is all it took for me to want to keep blogging. I like the thought that something I write may be what someone needs to be encouraged, or to at least not feel so alone in that present moment in time.
I will go to school. I will learn more about writing. I will be afraid, but I will never let that fear keep me from trying or doing something I love.