Aside

Excerpt #3

“How could you just forget about me?” He said

“I kept telling myself you didn’t care and that you weren’t going to come back for me.”

“But that’s not true, I’m here now.” He said with a hint of desperation in his voice.

“Yes, you are. But as the months passed one by one, I never heard from you–not by phone, text, email, or even a letter.”

“I figured if one of my feelings of doubt was interrupted by your interference then you must love me, you must want me. But you never interfered so I chose to let you go the only way I knew how. I chose to believe that you once cared but I wasn’t enough for you to chase beyond your convenience.”

His eyes widened, and his mouth thinned into a straight line, but he said nothing.

I wasn’t sure why he came back to me every time, to someone he didn’t love, but now I realized that he came back to take what I had given him. The very love he lacked. He’d take my love with him time and again only to leave, perhaps to give it away to someone else he thought deserved it more.

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Aside

Paper Crane

I made a paper crane out of snow

The paper crane could fly anywhere

But it would always return to the same spot above my head

Raining its anxieties on me

 

My feet are cinderblocks because I like the drops falling on me

I don’t dance in the storm though, I just get wet

The coldness of the ice freezes my heart numb

Numb—the absence of feeling

Somehow, I feel nothing and it is everything

 

If my heart is frozen then the blood in my veins is made of lava

And my mind is volcanic ash blown away in the wind

No, I can’t live stuck to the ground

But I still can’t move because my roots are planted here

I let the paper crane fly to bring back pieces of the world to where I stay

 

I am a divine collector of all things broken

I collected you

You whose words are liquid nitrogen

Familiar as where I sleep each night

It’s all messy, right? Here in the desolate arctic hollows of my heart?

You are the only broken thing I let the paper crane return

With you gone the snow turns to fire and I burn,

I burn.

Aside

The saddest sadness

Perhaps the saddest, sadness in the world isn’t being sad. Perhaps the saddest feeling in the world is the quiet lonely room in one’s heart, that is no longer surprised by the sadistic evils that pervert the purest things in this world like love. The saddest sadness is not in the feeling, it is in the accepting. Accepting that you can see the good in people who do things that make your nightmares seem insignificant in comparison. It is in accepting the fact that you cannot love people into changing into a better person. The saddest sadness is knowing that everyone can love and be loved in return, but many will choose to cling to the hate anyway.
Life does not seek to devour us. Life seeks to be lived, no matter what mountain there is to climb, no matter what knives stab us, no matter what humans hurt us. What is sad is also triumphant when we make the decision to move forward slaying our demons, but also loving our neighbors without reason.

Aside

October

Summer used to be her favorite season. She loved the way the rays of light glistened off of her golden skin. The smell of the salty air and the way the days went on forever made her feel electric. But soon every summer day reminded her of missing him. The sun never felt the same, she didn’t feel warmth, she felt burned. And now she counted down the days to autumn when transformation occurred as the leaves changed and the sky darkened. She hoped that with the next season she too could be transformed to the person she was, before him. All she really wanted was a new beginning—a chance to shed the pain, the way trees shed their leaves in October.