Merry-go-round

You were all my merry-go-round; different animals stuck to the ground taking me for a ride that ultimately always left me in the same place. I am nowhere now, dizzy and confused. For some reason I can’t help but decide to get back on and take another ride. It’s like my life isn’t full and my heart is not complete until I’m stabbed one more time with the certainty of a most unpleasant goodbye. Take me around and around where my feet won’t touch the ground.

Wonderland

He always watched over her, silently– carefully. He couldn’t be with her now, and he couldn’t love her now. If he did then his body might explode and his head would be lost, because her eyes told of wonder and her body told of a long voyage he had yet to encounter.

He couldn’t love her, but he could watch her dance, and revel in her wide smile that hid a universe of words behind her teeth. He could drown forever in her wonderland, and wait for the perfect storm to dive right in. But only when the time was right, if it’d ever be.

Lies of The Unrequited Love

This subject is one of my personal favorites. Why? Because it is the selfless universal truth of humanity that loving or crushing on someone who does not feel the same way as you sucks. Whether it’s a few weeks, a month, or years if you find yourself identifying with any of the lies below well you sir/ma’am have been cursed with an arrow that only struck you through your miserable heart. I am not here to make this better for you (it is simply not possible) or give you tips on how to get over it. My sole purpose is to provide you with humor and understanding during this horrible time in your life. You can make yourself a sappy playlist on Spotify and cry later. If you haven’t experienced this, well then this post isn’t for you and consider yourself to be extremely fortunate.

Welcome to the lies you have told yourself, or will be telling yourself….

Lie #1.) Maybe I’m in this situation because they don’t know how I feel

I’d let you get away with lie number one if you have never spent a considerable amount of time around the person you have hopelessly fallen for. If you have spent time around them, possibly even considering yourself “friends”, well then just know you have been lying to yourself. In your mind you may think you are aloof and cool about it, but everyone knows including your crush. They see you blink an extra time as you try and choke back the tears building up in your eyes as they talk to you about someone they like, or think is hot. They see you go out of your way to spend time with them or do them little favors. They know you want them, they just don’t care to want you back. You have been friendzoned. I like to say you’ve become somewhat of a meaningless doting accessory that often gets forgotten when not convenient. Like a sock that doesn’t have its match, or a lamp shade.

2.)Sure, we are friends

This is the one you tell yourself after you realize that there is an unspoken understanding between the two of you. That understanding is that you both know how you feel. This is the stage where you actually start to believe you are ok with being friends. Truth is that you enjoy being miserable and just don’t want said love out of your life. You might even been a tad bit masochistic by offering to set up your crush with someone else just to prove that you are purely their friend. Lie. Lies all over the place. Do you even know what is true anymore!?

3.) If we were together it wouldn’t work out anyway

This one might be my favorite. This one is comfort food for the weak who believe that it wouldn’t work out without having tried first. You may give yourself other small lies that umbrella under this lie. For example, I hate the way they do… , We have different goals.. , I’m not his/her type, I’m not good enough for him/her, if we got together and then broke up I would lose a friend. All of these thoughts would likely not even go through your head if they actually wanted you back. If they wanted to be in a relationship with you right now, I can guarantee you would dive head first into that relationship like it was a pool filled with carne asada tacos.

4.) Dropping hints

This one isn’t so much of a lie, it is an action. A half-truth if you will. This is the I am afraid to say anything directly because I know they don’t like me back but I am going to go fishing in the bathtub to satisfy my hopeless little heart. This is the one where you flirt with, possibly bumping them flirtatiously, or playfully brushing up against their hand while watching a movie on the couch, just to see how they react. They don’t move when you do this or seem repulsed by your flirting, but they also may not grab your hand either and hold it as if it’s theirs. This lie just makes everything more confusing. Now you feel mixed signals. Just because they flirted back does not mean they like you. People like attention, especially if you are decent-looking and giving them the time of day. They soak it up like sponges sometimes without realizing that you actually are doing it for more than just the attention. Don’t be this person. I’ve been this person. I hate this person. Be bold and go after what you want wholeheartedly and have your heart ripped into a billion tiny pieces. I promise you will live to tell the story…maybe.

5.) This new person is so much better for me

Ok so you finally decided to date someone else whilst still being friends with your “true love”. This person is probably good-looking and kind to you. They say the right things and give you an occasional laugh. This is all great, but if in the back of your mind you still wish you were hanging with your old crush then this means you aren’t over them and you are just squandering time with this new person. This person doesn’t care as much about your passions, and doesn’t get your quirky jokes. It is completely understandable because you had a comfort zone with your crush, maybe you still do. This one is perhaps the most cringe-worthy because you finally accept that no one will even come close to being like your unrequited love, and your heart aches, and you will sit here alone and watch them marry someone else. There are always cats!

I hope you enjoyed my not so humorous humor about being friendzoned. If this is you, get out as fast as you can. Fall in love with tacos instead. Tacos never disappoint.

3am Friend

It was 3am

The lights were dimmed

And the world was in silence

 

All I could hear was your voice

The words you spoke strummed the chords of my tired heart

My insides turned ’round,

When I thought I went from lost to found

 

Your words began to prick my skin

Shoving themselves deeper in

You knew your pride could never let me win

The only thing more deafening than your noise was the sound of your silence

The most cruel violence– I’d only ever be your 3am friend when the night came to an end

 

So the words hurt when you called me a friend

I must’ve made everything up again

The feelings were invalid

The poem you wrote wasn’t a ballad

What a hell love is when it is unrequited

I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried to fight it

But your words were just too beautiful and your heart was just too true as it shone through the ink on the pages

 

“Friend” wasn’t the word that made me stop.

“No” wasn’t the word that calmed the fire.

It wasn’t a word.

It was the sound of your silence,

Where I found my answer.

You finally stopped growing on me like an immovable cancer.

 

 

 

 

The Circus

Welcome to the circus

Welcome to the freak show

Come and play

You don’t know what you’re missing

Prepare to entertain

I promise just one game

If you impress, you’ll get your 15 minutes of fame

Capture their hearts and you’ll reach their pockets

 

Welcome to the circus

All fun and games

You’re a special one

You’re not the same

Show the world your tricks

Come on– just for kicks

 

I’ll paint you on a face

Just clown around for a little bit

The ringleader would be happy

I assure you, he’ll be pleased

Stop being such a tease

 

Welcome to the circus

I’m no fortune teller and I don’t want to sound mean

But your circus sounds a lot like dating in 2016

Behold the bearded woman and the strongest man alive!

Here are your contenders

They are all a part of the show!

They can be your puppets

Pull on all their strings

But don’t awaken the lion

He does horrid things

 

Welcome to the circus,

Welcome to love….what a joke.

 

 

 

 

Im in Love

 

I’m in so in love that I can’t contain it. I smile at the thought. I am in love with the way the ocean kisses the sand on a hot summer day. I’m in love with places I’ve seen and others where I’ve never been. I’m in love with the sky and how sun rays can gleam through the spaces between clouds on a seemingly gloomy day. I am in love with the mountains and the rivers that flow off of cliffs. I am in love with the stranger sitting next to me smiling at their rambunctious toddler. Mostly, I am in love with me. I am in love with my body enough so that I keep it healthy. I am in love with my spirit, so I keep it alive in prayer. I am in love with my mind so I educate it, and challenge the limits I set myself. I am in love with my heart, so I protect it from those who will harm it. I take love and I give it out. No commitments. No expectations. I do not need one person to love me, for I love life and life loves me back. I am thoughtlessly, and happily engaged to the possibilities of the present time and the moments of my uncertain future. Love doesn’t choose us, we choose it. What are you in love with?

What She Wanted

She didn’t want to be looked at and merely desired by him. No, she wanted to be seen deep down to her soul. When he entered a crowded party, she wanted his eyes to search for hers. Words would never be enough to fill the space between them. She didn’t want to hear about how they were connected, she wanted to feel it. She knew if she did then there would be enough sparks to set the entire world on fire. For that was the way she liked it–burning.

Stardust

I am made of dust
The stuff that comes from stars
I am the matter that comes from distant galaxies
Incredible isn’t it?
Marvelous some would say
It’s unfair you see
Because there isn’t anyone out there to love me
Two souls were supposed to be created from one
To go together perfectly just as the moon and the sun
For me, there is no prize to be won
Besides the improbability of the reckless heart
You and I were meant to stay apart
I can tell you need someone to love your sadness away
I’ve tried and I’ve tried
Letting you push me aside
I don’t need to be lied to
I’m not the girl who deadened the love inside of you

I am the girl who’s made of dust
The stuff that comes from stars
Who was created to love the broken
And heal their battle scars
Not so they can love me in return
Rather so they can learn to one day love again
A cursed life, isn’t it?
A bloody hell some would say—to be born with an abundance of love
And an immense need to give it away
But I assure you there are much worse games to play

I am not special to anyone
No one thinks of me beyond the day
For I am only made of dust
The stuff that comes from stars