Merry-go-round

You were all my merry-go-round; different animals stuck to the ground taking me for a ride that ultimately always left me in the same place. I am nowhere now, dizzy and confused. For some reason I can’t help but decide to get back on and take another ride. It’s like my life isn’t full and my heart is not complete until I’m stabbed one more time with the certainty of a most unpleasant goodbye. Take me around and around where my feet won’t touch the ground.

Not Always Pretty

I’m not sorry if you feel that it’s wrong that I am not always pretty
Excuse me if I don’t have time to dress to impress
I prefer flats over heels because I can’t take any more pain
I’m not perfect

You see I’m just so drained
Trying to chase who I am supposed to be
while everyone and everything around me is sucking me dry

I no longer have the energy to hide my face with lies                                                I’m stuck to the investment of my future
I sit on a triple weighted balance beam
My tired eyes aren’t what they seem.  Some days they are painted with a stroke of black,
Other days they are naked.
I am not going to try and fake it

I’m not always pretty
The sunlight doesn’t usually favor my unfavorable skin
I’m no sculpture that sits still looking nice
But take a stroll through my mind and you’ll see I’m art
Chaotic and colorful
Stuck together with pieces from different puzzles that don’t always fit
My heart is wild and my head races with my dreams
Don’t try and drag me down from this high
So what if my hair is a mess and I rushed from here to there, forgetting to zip up my dress?

Yes, I do try to be pretty
Pretty smart
Pretty strong
And pretty kind
For me pretty is redefined…

Lies of The Unrequited Love

This subject is one of my personal favorites. Why? Because it is the selfless universal truth of humanity that loving or crushing on someone who does not feel the same way as you sucks. Whether it’s a few weeks, a month, or years if you find yourself identifying with any of the lies below well you sir/ma’am have been cursed with an arrow that only struck you through your miserable heart. I am not here to make this better for you (it is simply not possible) or give you tips on how to get over it. My sole purpose is to provide you with humor and understanding during this horrible time in your life. You can make yourself a sappy playlist on Spotify and cry later. If you haven’t experienced this, well then this post isn’t for you and consider yourself to be extremely fortunate.

Welcome to the lies you have told yourself, or will be telling yourself….

Lie #1.) Maybe I’m in this situation because they don’t know how I feel

I’d let you get away with lie number one if you have never spent a considerable amount of time around the person you have hopelessly fallen for. If you have spent time around them, possibly even considering yourself “friends”, well then just know you have been lying to yourself. In your mind you may think you are aloof and cool about it, but everyone knows including your crush. They see you blink an extra time as you try and choke back the tears building up in your eyes as they talk to you about someone they like, or think is hot. They see you go out of your way to spend time with them or do them little favors. They know you want them, they just don’t care to want you back. You have been friendzoned. I like to say you’ve become somewhat of a meaningless doting accessory that often gets forgotten when not convenient. Like a sock that doesn’t have its match, or a lamp shade.

2.)Sure, we are friends

This is the one you tell yourself after you realize that there is an unspoken understanding between the two of you. That understanding is that you both know how you feel. This is the stage where you actually start to believe you are ok with being friends. Truth is that you enjoy being miserable and just don’t want said love out of your life. You might even been a tad bit masochistic by offering to set up your crush with someone else just to prove that you are purely their friend. Lie. Lies all over the place. Do you even know what is true anymore!?

3.) If we were together it wouldn’t work out anyway

This one might be my favorite. This one is comfort food for the weak who believe that it wouldn’t work out without having tried first. You may give yourself other small lies that umbrella under this lie. For example, I hate the way they do… , We have different goals.. , I’m not his/her type, I’m not good enough for him/her, if we got together and then broke up I would lose a friend. All of these thoughts would likely not even go through your head if they actually wanted you back. If they wanted to be in a relationship with you right now, I can guarantee you would dive head first into that relationship like it was a pool filled with carne asada tacos.

4.) Dropping hints

This one isn’t so much of a lie, it is an action. A half-truth if you will. This is the I am afraid to say anything directly because I know they don’t like me back but I am going to go fishing in the bathtub to satisfy my hopeless little heart. This is the one where you flirt with, possibly bumping them flirtatiously, or playfully brushing up against their hand while watching a movie on the couch, just to see how they react. They don’t move when you do this or seem repulsed by your flirting, but they also may not grab your hand either and hold it as if it’s theirs. This lie just makes everything more confusing. Now you feel mixed signals. Just because they flirted back does not mean they like you. People like attention, especially if you are decent-looking and giving them the time of day. They soak it up like sponges sometimes without realizing that you actually are doing it for more than just the attention. Don’t be this person. I’ve been this person. I hate this person. Be bold and go after what you want wholeheartedly and have your heart ripped into a billion tiny pieces. I promise you will live to tell the story…maybe.

5.) This new person is so much better for me

Ok so you finally decided to date someone else whilst still being friends with your “true love”. This person is probably good-looking and kind to you. They say the right things and give you an occasional laugh. This is all great, but if in the back of your mind you still wish you were hanging with your old crush then this means you aren’t over them and you are just squandering time with this new person. This person doesn’t care as much about your passions, and doesn’t get your quirky jokes. It is completely understandable because you had a comfort zone with your crush, maybe you still do. This one is perhaps the most cringe-worthy because you finally accept that no one will even come close to being like your unrequited love, and your heart aches, and you will sit here alone and watch them marry someone else. There are always cats!

I hope you enjoyed my not so humorous humor about being friendzoned. If this is you, get out as fast as you can. Fall in love with tacos instead. Tacos never disappoint.

Home

 

I’m just trying to find somewhere that feels like home. A place to be comfortable and look up at the sky knowing it won’t all  come crashing down in the blink of an eye. I tried to climb the highest mountain to see what I have yet to find, but all I see is smoke that hazes out the direction I want to go in. I tried to run fast enough to take off into the sky, but gravity kept me down. My skin was stretched too tight and nothing ever fits the way I feel. For now I have the labyrinth of mirrors that reflects back a person I do not recognize, but I’ll race through that maze as fast as I can trying to find the light. I’m just trying to find somewhere that feels like home. I am trying to find you. 

Cloud Collection

I missed these clouds.

Not the sparse fluffy white ones that you gaze up at on a partially sunny day in the lush green grass, with a lover and decide what shapes they resemble. I missed the dark storm clouds that tumbled in over the hills and swallowed them whole. Today the rain falls hard and fast all around me,pounding on the pavement as I run as fast as I can toward nowhere, feeling everything. Like the clouds, I absorb. I absorb the hurt, the pain, the love, the beauty, and the very insanity that I yearn to let out. I collect these moments, these memories, and most of all I collect the lies that I’ve been told. They sit inside of me crushing my lungs and weighing down my body. The sun shines often these days that I collect. I like the sun because I can hide under its light, no one can see my shade. It dries up my desires, soothing my mind while burning into my skin. Although I love the sun, I grow tired of its constant torment day after day. These clouds bring me back to life as the months of drought finally weigh them down and they explode into a tumultuous downpour of water that washes me clean. Here is where I can let go as the rhythm of my footsteps speed up to match pitch with the rain. Now is when the tears fall and I release to begin to collect again.

Words

Words have always been easy for me. I fall in love with beautiful wording. The way words fit together like matching puzzle pieces is pure magic. Words are the difference between a tragedy and a tumultuous journey. Words bridge the gap between love and lust. Words change the way we feel and manipulate our deepest emotions that we believed were hidden away never to come to the surface again.

People say words lie, but if you look closely you’ll find all universal truths. There is something about poetry, and writing that makes all of us more of who we want to be. Spoken words fail us all the time because it is much harder to hear the truth rather than to read it. My stories and poetry come to life as the black ink on the page fades from mere letters arranged into words, sentences, and paragraphs into a real breathing work of love. I’m sure strangers know me better through my words than those who I’ve had one hundred conversations with. This is where to find my wants and my needs. Here is where people can explore my dreams, and find out about the loneliness of unrequited love.

That’s all it is. Love. The most complex, yet simple word in all languages. My hope is that everyone finds a piece of themselves in my writing, even pieces that they perhaps didn’t even know they had. These words are empty, but they are alive.

Sad Song

These days drag on like a never ending sad song

The one you play over and over again to fill the silence

All we have is this this terrifying, exciting, beautiful present moment in time

The future is unsure and our past is long gone

The ache in the hollow parts of our soul seem like they will last forever

But I swear to you, you will get better

 

The sad song strums on your heartstrings

Tearing you apart with every chord

Putting you back together with every rift

This sad song is your life

And your life is a gift

 

No person in this universe nor any pain in your body

Can take your spirit and steal the YOU that lies within

The sad song may play

And you may keep it on repeat

But you’ll know when you’re ready to let go

Only when you begin to dance along to the slow beat

 

 

Saturday Nights

Most of the glory for people my age lies in the weekend. 20-somethings are the marvelous weekend warriors. Parties, drinking, and other revelries occur. It is July, summertime, my favorite season, and I look at Instagram photos and my friend’s snapchats, and the vacations and booze look fabulous. I, however sit here on yet another Saturday night alone finishing my research paper for my English composition 2 class. That is how it goes these days. I work all day, 5 days a week, and study/ do schoolwork at night. I have little time for anything else other than my immediate responsibilities.

 

I am not writing this blog post to complain. That is not the point. I am writing this to say that these are not my glory days, and I refuse to let my age tell me when that time is. My late teens and early 20’s are meant for work, and for building myself up so I can reach my goals. I do not regret my decision to work full-time and be a full-time student. The point of this post is to up build others who experience the same thing as I do. You are not alone. It sucks to feel like you are the only one who isn’t out there “experiencing” life. We, as we build our careers, our finances, and our families are not missing out on something. We are where we are supposed to be in this moment in time. So let us build our lives to enjoy 7 days a week, rather than just Saturday night. Let us have our own private dance party in between studying chapters in a psychology book, changing diapers, or budgeting our funds to save up for a home.

There is no shame in not being free to do as you fancy. My time is coming, your time is coming, and it will be better than we could ever imagine. All the things you want are right around the corner. So friends and readers of this blog I urge you to push further, study harder, and be the best you that you can be. I assure you the world isn’t ready for you yet. May there be many more Saturday nights ahead.

 

 

Im in Love

 

I’m in so in love that I can’t contain it. I smile at the thought. I am in love with the way the ocean kisses the sand on a hot summer day. I’m in love with places I’ve seen and others where I’ve never been. I’m in love with the sky and how sun rays can gleam through the spaces between clouds on a seemingly gloomy day. I am in love with the mountains and the rivers that flow off of cliffs. I am in love with the stranger sitting next to me smiling at their rambunctious toddler. Mostly, I am in love with me. I am in love with my body enough so that I keep it healthy. I am in love with my spirit, so I keep it alive in prayer. I am in love with my mind so I educate it, and challenge the limits I set myself. I am in love with my heart, so I protect it from those who will harm it. I take love and I give it out. No commitments. No expectations. I do not need one person to love me, for I love life and life loves me back. I am thoughtlessly, and happily engaged to the possibilities of the present time and the moments of my uncertain future. Love doesn’t choose us, we choose it. What are you in love with?

What She Wanted

She didn’t want to be looked at and merely desired by him. No, she wanted to be seen deep down to her soul. When he entered a crowded party, she wanted his eyes to search for hers. Words would never be enough to fill the space between them. She didn’t want to hear about how they were connected, she wanted to feel it. She knew if she did then there would be enough sparks to set the entire world on fire. For that was the way she liked it–burning.