Aside

Red Door

They say depression is like a black hole
For me it’s more like a red door
Red like the stilletos in my closet
Or like the blood in my veins
Once the door is opened it’s a vortex
It sucks the real me in and leaves my skeleton behind to walk the streets..
To go to my job, to sleep in my bed

The door is always welcoming inside of me ready to swallow me whole
Its arms reach out for me in the darkness of my mind grabbing my wrists
Keeping my body captive
It’s not as painful as you think to be dragged through the threshold of the red door
Sometimes I am ready to run through the door and be captured by its beckoning arms
My body feels like it is on fire
And the only way to stop the burning is to jump head first through the door to the place where I feel at home
Isolated and alone
Nothing can reach me here and I don’t have to hurt anymore
It’s just done
And the depression has won

I am not afraid of the red door any longer
And I am not afraid of the pain of being alive
I’ve broken free again and again
There are bruises on my wrists and burns that scathe my flesh
I am still here intact and I will not be dragged back down to the comfort of being numb
Because when I turn around I see the glimmer of hope in the setting sun
And I’ll exist beyond the red door where I once fell
I will not go back to my private hell

The red door will still exist but so will I
Flesh, blood, bones and love

Ready for the massacre of a life well lived.

 

 

 

 

Aside

I present to you..Me

Here I present to you my everything
It’s not much I know
It’s all I have…
Well not really
I have these bullets
And I have these holes
I may have something sitting in my heart that weighs me down resembling the ash of coals
That’s not important because you have the diamonds
And you have seen the flowers in the garden of my soul
But you haven’t been pricked by the thorns

Here I present to you an image of me
Polished and pure; happy
Well not really…
I have these scars your eyes have not seen
And my light is bright
But you’ve not yet been burned
There’s an ocean of passion inside of me
Sometimes I drown in the waves
You’ve only seen me swim

Here I present to you the truth
Glass is less fragile than my love
And my body is made up of words like ink upon my skin

I’m difficult to take like a strong drink.

 

Aside

Not Always Pretty

I’m not sorry if you feel that it’s wrong that I am not always pretty
Excuse me if I don’t have time to dress to impress
I prefer flats over heels because I can’t take any more pain
I’m not perfect

You see I’m just so drained
Trying to chase who I am supposed to be
while everyone and everything around me is sucking me dry

I no longer have the energy to hide my face with lies                                                I’m stuck to the investment of my future
I sit on a triple weighted balance beam
My tired eyes aren’t what they seem.  Some days they are painted with a stroke of black,
Other days they are naked.
I am not going to try and fake it

I’m not always pretty
The sunlight doesn’t usually favor my unfavorable skin
I’m no sculpture that sits still looking nice
But take a stroll through my mind and you’ll see I’m art
Chaotic and colorful
Stuck together with pieces from different puzzles that don’t always fit
My heart is wild and my head races with my dreams
Don’t try and drag me down from this high
So what if my hair is a mess and I rushed from here to there, forgetting to zip up my dress?

Yes, I do try to be pretty
Pretty smart
Pretty strong
And pretty kind
For me pretty is redefined…

Aside

Undone

My mind is made up of ribbons

My heart is tied with ropes

The years have worn on their edges causing them to fray

Untie the knots and let the ribbons fly

Undress my mind, pull it apart and see what you find

If you dare get close enough to touch

Maybe my eyes can’t see what’s in front of me

I looked too far into the future staring too closely at the sun

You have to exist somewhere

In the space between trees

Across the waves of the seven seas

There has to be you….there has to be the one that will make me come undone

Aside

One Thousand Blank Pages

One thousand blank pages, a bottle of champagne, and a pen

I measure my glass with thoughts of you

The cup overflows and I could never take enough sips to swallow it all

I trip and I fall forever

The floor below is covered in white

Blank pages of the words in my heart

Should I write one thousand letters?

A collection of useless emotions I throw up in ink

I’d rather sink in the bubbles of my drink,

Than think about the possibility of an unspoken goodbye

Tonight I’ll drown in my mind losing time

with one thousand blank pages, a bottle of champagne, and a pen.

 

Aside

Too Much of Not Enough

Balance to me is just a beam

And happiness is never what it seems

I’m always too sad or too excited

Too much of nothing or not enough of something

I always miss the mark by a half of a percent

And if I try and punch a hole in a wall it ends up with just a dent

 

I don’t say enough of what’s on my heart because I exist too much in my head

I can’t recall much of what I’ve said

Quantities are a mere suggestion

Time is not in my possession

 

I’m a weed that choked the whole garden until it was dead

I just keep growing and spreading like a virus

So I swallow my light so it doesn’t get too bright

It ticks inside of me like a bomb ready to explode

Pardon my manners it’s just I’m afraid to be alive

And I don’t know what to do or how to thrive…..

When I only exist between being too much of not enough.