You were all my merry-go-round; different animals stuck to the ground taking me for a ride that ultimately always left me in the same place. I am nowhere now, dizzy and confused. For some reason I can’t help but decide to get back on and take another ride. It’s like my life isn’t full and my heart is not complete until I’m stabbed one more time with the certainty of a most unpleasant goodbye. Take me around and around where my feet won’t touch the ground.
He always watched over her, silently– carefully. He couldn’t be with her now, and he couldn’t love her now. If he did then his body might explode and his head would be lost, because her eyes told of wonder and her body told of a long voyage he had yet to encounter.
He couldn’t love her, but he could watch her dance, and revel in her wide smile that hid a universe of words behind her teeth. He could drown forever in her wonderland, and wait for the perfect storm to dive right in. But only when the time was right, if it’d ever be.
There is a girl who prefers to be invisible
She is perplexed by the pain of breaking over and over again
The liquid poured out of her cracks in rivers that flooded her room
An empty space in her mind that time couldn’t measure and fake love could never fill
Outside was too overwhelming
Every person she met was a black hole
They weaved their masks with all the same smiles adorned across their scarecrow mouths
She is an invisible observer
Such a broken individual who toils all day long to try and squeeze out of this translucent body that is but a mere carrying case for her fragile heart
Through her ocean eyes of depth I saw the fire
As the whole world burns hoping to be seen, she prefers to be invisible
Shrinking further back into herself before they strip all the clothes from her back and take all the love they lack
How could they ruin her if they can’t see her?
There’s a girl who prefers to be invisible
She hides in the shadows, and gets lost in the crowds
She is afraid that someday someone might actually see her and pull her closer to the warmth of the living sun
What will she do when all she’s hidden explodes into sparks that make firework explosions in the night sky?
There’s a girl that prefers to be invisible,
But because of him she steps into the light.
They say depression is like a black hole
For me it’s more like a red door
Red like the stilletos in my closet
Or like the blood in my veins
Once the door is opened it’s a vortex
It sucks the real me in and leaves my skeleton behind to walk the streets..
To go to my job, to sleep in my bed
The door is always welcoming inside of me ready to swallow me whole
Its arms reach out for me in the darkness of my mind grabbing my wrists
Keeping my body captive
It’s not as painful as you think to be dragged through the threshold of the red door
Sometimes I am ready to run through the door and be captured by its beckoning arms
My body feels like it is on fire
And the only way to stop the burning is to jump head first through the door to the place where I feel at home
Isolated and alone
Nothing can reach me here and I don’t have to hurt anymore
It’s just done
And the depression has won
I am not afraid of the red door any longer
And I am not afraid of the pain of being alive
I’ve broken free again and again
There are bruises on my wrists and burns that scathe my flesh
I am still here intact and I will not be dragged back down to the comfort of being numb
Because when I turn around I see the glimmer of hope in the setting sun
And I’ll exist beyond the red door where I once fell
I will not go back to my private hell
The red door will still exist but so will I
Flesh, blood, bones and love
Ready for the massacre of a life well lived.
Here I present to you my everything
It’s not much I know
It’s all I have…
Well not really
I have these bullets
And I have these holes
I may have something sitting in my heart that weighs me down resembling the ash of coals
That’s not important because you have the diamonds
And you have seen the flowers in the garden of my soul
But you haven’t been pricked by the thorns
Here I present to you an image of me
Polished and pure; happy
Well not really…
I have these scars your eyes have not seen
And my light is bright
But you’ve not yet been burned
There’s an ocean of passion inside of me
Sometimes I drown in the waves
You’ve only seen me swim
Here I present to you the truth
Glass is less fragile than my love
And my body is made up of words like ink upon my skin
I’m difficult to take like a strong drink.
I’m not sorry if you feel that it’s wrong that I am not always pretty
Excuse me if I don’t have time to dress to impress
I prefer flats over heels because I can’t take any more pain
I’m not perfect
You see I’m just so drained
Trying to chase who I am supposed to be
while everyone and everything around me is sucking me dry
I no longer have the energy to hide my face with lies I’m stuck to the investment of my future
I sit on a triple weighted balance beam
My tired eyes aren’t what they seem. Some days they are painted with a stroke of black,
Other days they are naked.
I am not going to try and fake it
I’m not always pretty
The sunlight doesn’t usually favor my unfavorable skin
I’m no sculpture that sits still looking nice
But take a stroll through my mind and you’ll see I’m art
Chaotic and colorful
Stuck together with pieces from different puzzles that don’t always fit
My heart is wild and my head races with my dreams
Don’t try and drag me down from this high
So what if my hair is a mess and I rushed from here to there, forgetting to zip up my dress?
Yes, I do try to be pretty
And pretty kind
For me pretty is redefined…
This subject is one of my personal favorites. Why? Because it is the selfless universal truth of humanity that loving or crushing on someone who does not feel the same way as you sucks. Whether it’s a few weeks, a month, or years if you find yourself identifying with any of the lies below well you sir/ma’am have been cursed with an arrow that only struck you through your miserable heart. I am not here to make this better for you (it is simply not possible) or give you tips on how to get over it. My sole purpose is to provide you with humor and understanding during this horrible time in your life. You can make yourself a sappy playlist on Spotify and cry later. If you haven’t experienced this, well then this post isn’t for you and consider yourself to be extremely fortunate.
Welcome to the lies you have told yourself, or will be telling yourself….
Lie #1.) Maybe I’m in this situation because they don’t know how I feel
I’d let you get away with lie number one if you have never spent a considerable amount of time around the person you have hopelessly fallen for. If you have spent time around them, possibly even considering yourself “friends”, well then just know you have been lying to yourself. In your mind you may think you are aloof and cool about it, but everyone knows including your crush. They see you blink an extra time as you try and choke back the tears building up in your eyes as they talk to you about someone they like, or think is hot. They see you go out of your way to spend time with them or do them little favors. They know you want them, they just don’t care to want you back. You have been friendzoned. I like to say you’ve become somewhat of a meaningless doting accessory that often gets forgotten when not convenient. Like a sock that doesn’t have its match, or a lamp shade.
2.)Sure, we are friends
This is the one you tell yourself after you realize that there is an unspoken understanding between the two of you. That understanding is that you both know how you feel. This is the stage where you actually start to believe you are ok with being friends. Truth is that you enjoy being miserable and just don’t want said love out of your life. You might even been a tad bit masochistic by offering to set up your crush with someone else just to prove that you are purely their friend. Lie. Lies all over the place. Do you even know what is true anymore!?
3.) If we were together it wouldn’t work out anyway
This one might be my favorite. This one is comfort food for the weak who believe that it wouldn’t work out without having tried first. You may give yourself other small lies that umbrella under this lie. For example, I hate the way they do… , We have different goals.. , I’m not his/her type, I’m not good enough for him/her, if we got together and then broke up I would lose a friend. All of these thoughts would likely not even go through your head if they actually wanted you back. If they wanted to be in a relationship with you right now, I can guarantee you would dive head first into that relationship like it was a pool filled with carne asada tacos.
4.) Dropping hints
This one isn’t so much of a lie, it is an action. A half-truth if you will. This is the I am afraid to say anything directly because I know they don’t like me back but I am going to go fishing in the bathtub to satisfy my hopeless little heart. This is the one where you flirt with, possibly bumping them flirtatiously, or playfully brushing up against their hand while watching a movie on the couch, just to see how they react. They don’t move when you do this or seem repulsed by your flirting, but they also may not grab your hand either and hold it as if it’s theirs. This lie just makes everything more confusing. Now you feel mixed signals. Just because they flirted back does not mean they like you. People like attention, especially if you are decent-looking and giving them the time of day. They soak it up like sponges sometimes without realizing that you actually are doing it for more than just the attention. Don’t be this person. I’ve been this person. I hate this person. Be bold and go after what you want wholeheartedly and have your heart ripped into a billion tiny pieces. I promise you will live to tell the story…maybe.
5.) This new person is so much better for me
Ok so you finally decided to date someone else whilst still being friends with your “true love”. This person is probably good-looking and kind to you. They say the right things and give you an occasional laugh. This is all great, but if in the back of your mind you still wish you were hanging with your old crush then this means you aren’t over them and you are just squandering time with this new person. This person doesn’t care as much about your passions, and doesn’t get your quirky jokes. It is completely understandable because you had a comfort zone with your crush, maybe you still do. This one is perhaps the most cringe-worthy because you finally accept that no one will even come close to being like your unrequited love, and your heart aches, and you will sit here alone and watch them marry someone else. There are always cats!
I hope you enjoyed my not so humorous humor about being friendzoned. If this is you, get out as fast as you can. Fall in love with tacos instead. Tacos never disappoint.