Don’t tell me you miss me. Tell me you read every one of my words while you were away. Tell me you found yourself there in the tiny spaces of the letters. Let me know how much they wounded you after you realized the truth about us. The only way to get through is to read between the lines. Because I’ve hidden away my heart for protection and it’s up to you to seek the treasure you wish to find. I’m done trading my worth for your lies. Go count your mistakes with your eyes closed. I’ll go hide and you seek, don’t peek.
I am a balloon filled with confetti
The air is you
The confetti is my personal collection of feelings—
Hidden in this balloon
I just want to explode
To be torn open,
Rain down all I have
But I keep it together
I keep floating in the sky
Waiting for you to grab the string and pull me down from this high
I stay here full of hot air and scraps of paper
Pretending to be beautiful on my own
Being taken with your wind no matter which direction
There is nothing beautiful about colorful secrets and candy coated lies
Maybe the rest of the world deserves to see me
Waiting and patience have voided like the coupons that sit in my drawer
Or the days I’ve counted that turned into years
No words spoken, only moments felt
But my goodness I still need you so I can breathe
When it rains, the drops absorb into my skin
Each drop, a tear cried from the sky
An indigo bubble forms over my heart
Indigo like the color of the night sky after a hurricane that I caused
Each storm I brew, self-destruction
Indigo Christmas lights strung across my body
Indigo flowers lain in a circle around my head
As if I had a choice but to be anything but a shade of blue rainbow
Wasted ink of my pen
That bleeds the color of my soul onto paper
The indigo visionary is me, who doesn’t know how to just be
The shade doesn’t know if it is purple or blue
Me, a girl who doesn’t know whether to stay or go
Always too high, or too low.
“How could you just forget about me?” He said
“I kept telling myself you didn’t care and that you weren’t going to come back for me.”
“But that’s not true, I’m here now.” He said with a hint of desperation in his voice.
“Yes, you are. But as the months passed one by one, I never heard from you–not by phone, text, email, or even a letter.”
“I figured if one of my feelings of doubt was interrupted by your interference then you must love me, you must want me. But you never interfered so I chose to let you go the only way I knew how. I chose to believe that you once cared but I wasn’t enough for you to chase beyond your convenience.”
His eyes widened, and his mouth thinned into a straight line, but he said nothing.
I wasn’t sure why he came back to me every time, to someone he didn’t love, but now I realized that he came back to take what I had given him. The very love he lacked. He’d take my love with him time and again only to leave, perhaps to give it away to someone else he thought deserved it more.
He is my total eclipse. He darkens my world a little bit more casting a shadow over my fiery heart. I become hollow and empty underneath the magnificence of his ominous glow. Even though I may go blind, I just can’t stop staring.
Perhaps the saddest, sadness in the world isn’t being sad. Perhaps the saddest feeling in the world is the quiet lonely room in one’s heart, that is no longer surprised by the sadistic evils that pervert the purest things in this world like love. The saddest sadness is not in the feeling, it is in the accepting. Accepting that you can see the good in people who do things that make your nightmares seem insignificant in comparison. It is in accepting the fact that you cannot love people into changing into a better person. The saddest sadness is knowing that everyone can love and be loved in return, but many will choose to cling to the hate anyway.
Life does not seek to devour us. Life seeks to be lived, no matter what mountain there is to climb, no matter what knives stab us, no matter what humans hurt us. What is sad is also triumphant when we make the decision to move forward slaying our demons, but also loving our neighbors without reason.
One of them was a comfort zone, a home I could rely on, keeping me stuck to the ground while my mind floated away. But my goodness the other one was an adventure. With him I saw it all from the tops of the highest mountains. I didn’t want to grow within him, as him, I wanted to grow because of him. Flowers never bloom without the rays of the sun, and with him I dared to step outside of all I’ve ever known.