Aside

Ocean

People always equate helplessness to drowning
Not in a puddle or a pool
But in a universe of salty water
Waves ravenously swallow you whole as though you were never there at all
It’s the undertow of life we get stuck in
Drowning endlessly as the sun shimmers off of the blue water
The world continues to breath and rotate in the way it always has
Fire cannot accurately explain the way it feels to be okay with fading away
Maybe I am the ocean
And life is me

Aside

Wonderland

He always watched over her, silently– carefully. He couldn’t be with her now, and he couldn’t love her now. If he did then his body might explode and his head would be lost, because her eyes told of wonder and her body told of a long voyage he had yet to encounter.

He couldn’t love her, but he could watch her dance, and revel in her wide smile that hid a universe of words behind her teeth. He could drown forever in her wonderland, and wait for the perfect storm to dive right in. But only when the time was right, if it’d ever be.

Aside

Invisible

There is a girl who prefers to be invisible

She is perplexed by the pain of breaking over and over again

The liquid poured out of her cracks in rivers that flooded her room

An empty space in her mind that time couldn’t measure and fake love could never fill

Outside was too overwhelming

Every person she met was a black hole

They weaved their masks with all the same smiles adorned across their scarecrow mouths

 

She is an invisible observer

Such a broken individual who toils all day long to try and squeeze out of this translucent body that is but a mere carrying case for her fragile heart

Through her ocean eyes of depth I saw the fire

As the whole world burns hoping to be seen, she prefers to be invisible

Shrinking further back into herself before they strip all the clothes from her back and take all the love they lack

How could they ruin her if they can’t see her?

 

There’s a girl who prefers to be invisible

She hides in the shadows, and gets lost in the crowds

She is afraid that someday someone might actually see her and pull her closer to the warmth of the living sun

What will she do when all she’s hidden explodes into sparks that make firework explosions in the night sky?

There’s a girl that prefers to be invisible,

But because of him she steps into the light.

Aside

Red Door

They say depression is like a black hole
For me it’s more like a red door
Red like the stilletos in my closet
Or like the blood in my veins
Once the door is opened it’s a vortex
It sucks the real me in and leaves my skeleton behind to walk the streets..
To go to my job, to sleep in my bed

The door is always welcoming inside of me ready to swallow me whole
Its arms reach out for me in the darkness of my mind grabbing my wrists
Keeping my body captive
It’s not as painful as you think to be dragged through the threshold of the red door
Sometimes I am ready to run through the door and be captured by its beckoning arms
My body feels like it is on fire
And the only way to stop the burning is to jump head first through the door to the place where I feel at home
Isolated and alone
Nothing can reach me here and I don’t have to hurt anymore
It’s just done
And the depression has won

I am not afraid of the red door any longer
And I am not afraid of the pain of being alive
I’ve broken free again and again
There are bruises on my wrists and burns that scathe my flesh
I am still here intact and I will not be dragged back down to the comfort of being numb
Because when I turn around I see the glimmer of hope in the setting sun
And I’ll exist beyond the red door where I once fell
I will not go back to my private hell

The red door will still exist but so will I
Flesh, blood, bones and love

Ready for the massacre of a life well lived.

 

 

 

 

Aside

Not Always Pretty

I’m not sorry if you feel that it’s wrong that I am not always pretty
Excuse me if I don’t have time to dress to impress
I prefer flats over heels because I can’t take any more pain
I’m not perfect

You see I’m just so drained
Trying to chase who I am supposed to be
while everyone and everything around me is sucking me dry

I no longer have the energy to hide my face with lies                                                I’m stuck to the investment of my future
I sit on a triple weighted balance beam
My tired eyes aren’t what they seem.  Some days they are painted with a stroke of black,
Other days they are naked.
I am not going to try and fake it

I’m not always pretty
The sunlight doesn’t usually favor my unfavorable skin
I’m no sculpture that sits still looking nice
But take a stroll through my mind and you’ll see I’m art
Chaotic and colorful
Stuck together with pieces from different puzzles that don’t always fit
My heart is wild and my head races with my dreams
Don’t try and drag me down from this high
So what if my hair is a mess and I rushed from here to there, forgetting to zip up my dress?

Yes, I do try to be pretty
Pretty smart
Pretty strong
And pretty kind
For me pretty is redefined…

Aside

Undone

My mind is made up of ribbons

My heart is tied with ropes

The years have worn on their edges causing them to fray

Untie the knots and let the ribbons fly

Undress my mind, pull it apart and see what you find

If you dare get close enough to touch

Maybe my eyes can’t see what’s in front of me

I looked too far into the future staring too closely at the sun

You have to exist somewhere

In the space between trees

Across the waves of the seven seas

There has to be you….there has to be the one that will make me come undone