Aside

Hide & Seek

Don’t tell me you miss me. Tell me you read every one of my words while you were away. Tell me you found yourself there in the tiny spaces of the letters. Let me know how much they wounded you after you realized the truth about us. The only way to get through is to read between the lines. Because I’ve hidden away my heart for protection and it’s up to you to seek the treasure you wish to find. I’m done trading my worth for your lies. Go count your mistakes with your eyes closed. I’ll go hide and you seek, don’t peek.

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Aside

Confetti

I am a balloon filled with confetti
The air is you
The confetti is my personal collection of feelings—
Hidden in this balloon
I just want to explode
To be torn open,
Rain down all I have
But I keep it together
I keep floating in the sky
Waiting for you to grab the string and pull me down from this high

I stay here full of hot air and scraps of paper
Pretending to be beautiful on my own
Being taken with your wind no matter which direction
There is nothing beautiful about colorful secrets and candy coated lies

Maybe the rest of the world deserves to see me
Waiting and patience have voided like the coupons that sit in my drawer
Useless
Or the days I’ve counted that turned into years
Wasted
No words spoken, only moments felt
But my goodness I still need you so I can breathe

Aside

Paper Crane

I made a paper crane out of snow

The paper crane could fly anywhere

But it would always return to the same spot above my head

Raining its anxieties on me

 

My feet are cinderblocks because I like the drops falling on me

I don’t dance in the storm though, I just get wet

The coldness of the ice freezes my heart numb

Numb—the absence of feeling

Somehow, I feel nothing and it is everything

 

If my heart is frozen then the blood in my veins is made of lava

And my mind is volcanic ash blown away in the wind

No, I can’t live stuck to the ground

But I still can’t move because my roots are planted here

I let the paper crane fly to bring back pieces of the world to where I stay

 

I am a divine collector of all things broken

I collected you

You whose words are liquid nitrogen

Familiar as where I sleep each night

It’s all messy, right? Here in the desolate arctic hollows of my heart?

You are the only broken thing I let the paper crane return

With you gone the snow turns to fire and I burn,

I burn.

Aside

The saddest sadness

Perhaps the saddest, sadness in the world isn’t being sad. Perhaps the saddest feeling in the world is the quiet lonely room in one’s heart, that is no longer surprised by the sadistic evils that pervert the purest things in this world like love. The saddest sadness is not in the feeling, it is in the accepting. Accepting that you can see the good in people who do things that make your nightmares seem insignificant in comparison. It is in accepting the fact that you cannot love people into changing into a better person. The saddest sadness is knowing that everyone can love and be loved in return, but many will choose to cling to the hate anyway.
Life does not seek to devour us. Life seeks to be lived, no matter what mountain there is to climb, no matter what knives stab us, no matter what humans hurt us. What is sad is also triumphant when we make the decision to move forward slaying our demons, but also loving our neighbors without reason.

Aside

Merry-go-round

You were all my merry-go-round; different animals stuck to the ground taking me for a ride that ultimately always left me in the same place. I am nowhere now, dizzy and confused. For some reason I can’t help but decide to get back on and take another ride. It’s like my life isn’t full and my heart is not complete until I’m stabbed one more time with the certainty of a most unpleasant goodbye. Take me around and around where my feet won’t touch the ground.

Aside

Wonderland

He always watched over her, silently– carefully. He couldn’t be with her now, and he couldn’t love her now. If he did then his body might explode and his head would be lost, because her eyes told of wonder and her body told of a long voyage he had yet to encounter.

He couldn’t love her, but he could watch her dance, and revel in her wide smile that hid a universe of words behind her teeth. He could drown forever in her wonderland, and wait for the perfect storm to dive right in. But only when the time was right, if it’d ever be.