Aside

The saddest sadness

Perhaps the saddest, sadness in the world isn’t being sad. Perhaps the saddest feeling in the world is the quiet lonely room in one’s heart, that is no longer surprised by the sadistic evils that pervert the purest things in this world like love. The saddest sadness is not in the feeling, it is in the accepting. Accepting that you can see the good in people who do things that make your nightmares seem insignificant in comparison. It is in accepting the fact that you cannot love people into changing into a better person. The saddest sadness is knowing that everyone can love and be loved in return, but many will choose to cling to the hate anyway.
Life does not seek to devour us. Life seeks to be lived, no matter what mountain there is to climb, no matter what knives stab us, no matter what humans hurt us. What is sad is also triumphant when we make the decision to move forward slaying our demons, but also loving our neighbors without reason.

Aside

Sad Song

These days drag on like a never ending sad song

The one you play over and over again to fill the silence

All we have is this this terrifying, exciting, beautiful present moment in time

The future is unsure and our past is long gone

The ache in the hollow parts of our soul seem like they will last forever

But I swear to you, you will get better

 

The sad song strums on your heartstrings

Tearing you apart with every chord

Putting you back together with every rift

This sad song is your life

And your life is a gift

 

No person in this universe nor any pain in your body

Can take your spirit and steal the YOU that lies within

The sad song may play

And you may keep it on repeat

But you’ll know when you’re ready to let go

Only when you begin to dance along to the slow beat

 

 

Aside

What She Wanted

She didn’t want to be looked at and merely desired by him. No, she wanted to be seen deep down to her soul. When he entered a crowded party, she wanted his eyes to search for hers. Words would never be enough to fill the space between them. She didn’t want to hear about how they were connected, she wanted to feel it. She knew if she did then there would be enough sparks to set the entire world on fire. For that was the way she liked it–burning.

Aside

To The Lonely Souls

Here’s to the lonely souls
Who wander through life alone
Mainly unheard, secrets unspoken
Staying up after midnight
Reading quotes that explain
What they cannot say
Enemies of the crowded days
And warriors of the darkest nights
Here’s to the survivors
Who stand up strong
Piecing themselves together again and again
Singing sad songs
Refusing to conform to society’s norms
Cheers to the lonely
Hats off to the heartbroken
Awake while the whole world sleeps
Here’s to the lonely
Who see what’s hidden behind what is written

 

Aside

Three Bullets

Here are three bullets
Load your weapon
Take your aim
Be careful where you shoot
I’m no longer bullet proof
Here are three bullets
I give you the power to destroy
Fire at my head
And I’ll duck to the right
Shoot and pierce my heart
I’ll stand still, too weak to fight
My heart doesn’t belong to me since my love is in you
It will be your shirt that bleeds red
But that won’t kill you, you won’t be dead
Here is one bullet
The last shot to fire
Make it count
Make it quick
You think this game is sick?
I assure you there’s no game sicker,
Than the game of love
So my dear why don’t you pull the trigger?
I’m through with this
I’m done
There’s still one bullet left
Let it burn into your flesh
Then we’ll both be at rest

Aside

When you don’t know what you are

If you read the title you may be thinking I’m writing a message about gender identity or labels…but no I’m not writing about that. This is about my never ending journey towards self-discovery and figuring out who I am. You may not care or identify with this and that is okay, for each person paves his/her own path.

I have often thought that I am an introvert and I suppose that is halfway true. I think deeply and for the most part I keep my thoughts to myself and I can find enjoyment in being alone. 

The reason I believe that half the time I am not is because when I am happy in life and I believe things are going well I can be the most extroverted person. Embracing new people and new experiences. Also I give out love and light when I walk down the street amongst a crowd of strangers. I am smiley, funny, and have many things to talk about. The sun seems brighter and trees are greener. Rain doesn’t bother me and there is always an upside. I love this side of myself. I love being that person. This version of me is not an introvert. 

  
The other version of me thinks way to much and doesn’t know what to say to people because I don’t think they’ll understand. I am likely going through a harsh trial in life or within myself. During these periods I become like a brown recluse. If you know anything about those spiders you know that they like dark places such as closets and are usually alone. I will avoid human contact. Feeling odd in crowds and at social gatherings I normally enjoy. I stop speaking to friends I’ve known for years on a regular basis. I get tongue tied and can’t express myself. I become completely introspective, building a wall brick by brick to seal myself into my own private hell. The sun is dim during these periods. Colors are dull. One good thing about this side of me is that I get to catch up on reading, which I love. You may be thinking ‘Hey dummy you’re probably depressed or bipolar’ However I am certain I am not depressed while being this other version of myself . I’ve been depressed before and although it seems quite similar, it doesn’t affect my everyday life. I don’t sleep all the time or feel a weight of unbearable sadness. I just get so into my own mind, and figuring out my next move that I forget anything else exists. I unfortunately do not give out much love or light during this time. I wish I could, and I put forth my best effort, but it feels forced and fake. I prefer to let myself feel how I’m feeling no matter how low or how high. It seems to me that the reason I can’t is because I’m trying to recover and all the love I have is barely enough to keep myself afloat. 

  
I’ve noticed this pattern in myself for at least 5 years. I used to think there was something wrong with me. I took the necessary steps to check and as it turns out I am technically and medically speaking I am normal.

The introverted part of me persists more often, because I’ve gotten used to being alone, and comfortable with it. I saw that if I was alone and kept inside my shell that there was no risk in getting hurt or developing expectations of other people only to be let down. The introversion I experience can last anywhere from 6 months to a year or so. Same with the extroversion. Sometimes they overlap. During introversion I sometimes get bored and think I want to go out and have friends and I wonder why I push people away, and then I go out and I wonder why I even try. ‘Why didn’t I just stay home?’ I think. The opposite happens when I’m in my moments of extroversion. 

My personality type is pretty difficult to understand. I have never been good with speaking or communication, which is obviously necessary for any relationship, or friendship. People who have stuck by me and never left I salute you. (There aren’t that many I assure you). 

Either way I am an introvert in this present moment in time. I am having a night where I wish I wasn’t. I am having one of those nights where I panic because I feel my life passing me by and in my mind I believe that everyone else has great experiences and does great things except for me. 

I don’t have a category. I am not mentally ill. I am not normal enough to fit in with the mainstream people, and I am not weird enough for the weird people. Nor am I geeky enough to be with geeks. I am slowly coming into my own and learning to be okay with the fact that I am a hexagonal prism in a world seemingly filled with 2 dimensional squares. I am all over the place and yet put together. Shy but outgoing. Artistic and pragmatic. Complex and simple. Happy and sad. Also, I am still trying to figure out how all of this is possible. 

Aside

Take me

Take me to my resting place

Take me to my grave

Set my soul on fire

Let it free of this cage

Make my mind infinite

Let my love soar

Tell those that I leave behind they can’t have it anymore 

Make my pain disappear 

Take the sin away

Give it all to me today

Open up my heart, drain the bad, pour in the good 

Lift me to non-existence 

Hold me there forever

I can’t stay here any longer

This life just gets harder

Take me to my resting place 

Take me to my grave

Pick me from this box of a world

I don’t belong here

It’s clear things won’t change they stay the same

Tame my thoughts, calm my body 

Take me to my resting place 

Take me to my grave

Raise me up in happiness

Carry me to perfection

Fly me to the never ending paradise

A place from here to infinity 

Smile at me ,bring me warmth ,never leave my side.

Take me to my resting place

Take me to my grave