He is my total eclipse. He darkens my world a little bit more casting a shadow over my fiery heart. I become hollow and empty underneath the magnificence of his ominous glow. Even though I may go blind, I just can’t stop staring.
Summer used to be her favorite season. She loved the way the rays of light glistened off of her golden skin. The smell of the salty air and the way the days went on forever made her feel electric. But soon every summer day reminded her of missing him. The sun never felt the same, she didn’t feel warmth, she felt burned. And now she counted down the days to autumn when transformation occurred as the leaves changed and the sky darkened. She hoped that with the next season she too could be transformed to the person she was, before him. All she really wanted was a new beginning—a chance to shed the pain, the way trees shed their leaves in October.
Her eyes sparkled in the moonlight as she told him she loved him for the very first time. Her eyes were the camera that captured his heart and soul the first time she blinked in his direction. The sky was clear and free of clouds as the big dipper sat above their heads, deep humidity caused her cheeks to glow like diamonds. She was the beginning and everything in between. He could tell she was unsure if he loved her back. Sure, he was no shower of emotions, but all his time was spent with her, or thinking about her. She had to know that, and he had committed his life to making sure she knew. He couldn’t tell her with words because he knew they would never even be a fraction of enough. He danced with her, kissed her, and held her hand like it was the missing piece of a puzzle that only fit with his. Now she’s gone, and he wished that the big dipper scooped them up from the ground that night, just the two of them floating amongst the stars, stuck in an infinite moment of love that time could never tear apart.
Echoes of his voice rang in her mind
Perhaps he didn’t belong to this world
He was full and conflicted with the energy of the stars while everyone else was sorely empty
His sublime mind calmed the winds of her storm
But his heart absorbed too much like a sponge that swallowed the sea
This subject is one of my personal favorites. Why? Because it is the selfless universal truth of humanity that loving or crushing on someone who does not feel the same way as you sucks. Whether it’s a few weeks, a month, or years if you find yourself identifying with any of the lies below well you sir/ma’am have been cursed with an arrow that only struck you through your miserable heart. I am not here to make this better for you (it is simply not possible) or give you tips on how to get over it. My sole purpose is to provide you with humor and understanding during this horrible time in your life. You can make yourself a sappy playlist on Spotify and cry later. If you haven’t experienced this, well then this post isn’t for you and consider yourself to be extremely fortunate.
Welcome to the lies you have told yourself, or will be telling yourself….
Lie #1.) Maybe I’m in this situation because they don’t know how I feel
I’d let you get away with lie number one if you have never spent a considerable amount of time around the person you have hopelessly fallen for. If you have spent time around them, possibly even considering yourself “friends”, well then just know you have been lying to yourself. In your mind you may think you are aloof and cool about it, but everyone knows including your crush. They see you blink an extra time as you try and choke back the tears building up in your eyes as they talk to you about someone they like, or think is hot. They see you go out of your way to spend time with them or do them little favors. They know you want them, they just don’t care to want you back. You have been friendzoned. I like to say you’ve become somewhat of a meaningless doting accessory that often gets forgotten when not convenient. Like a sock that doesn’t have its match, or a lamp shade.
2.)Sure, we are friends
This is the one you tell yourself after you realize that there is an unspoken understanding between the two of you. That understanding is that you both know how you feel. This is the stage where you actually start to believe you are ok with being friends. Truth is that you enjoy being miserable and just don’t want said love out of your life. You might even been a tad bit masochistic by offering to set up your crush with someone else just to prove that you are purely their friend. Lie. Lies all over the place. Do you even know what is true anymore!?
3.) If we were together it wouldn’t work out anyway
This one might be my favorite. This one is comfort food for the weak who believe that it wouldn’t work out without having tried first. You may give yourself other small lies that umbrella under this lie. For example, I hate the way they do… , We have different goals.. , I’m not his/her type, I’m not good enough for him/her, if we got together and then broke up I would lose a friend. All of these thoughts would likely not even go through your head if they actually wanted you back. If they wanted to be in a relationship with you right now, I can guarantee you would dive head first into that relationship like it was a pool filled with carne asada tacos.
4.) Dropping hints
This one isn’t so much of a lie, it is an action. A half-truth if you will. This is the I am afraid to say anything directly because I know they don’t like me back but I am going to go fishing in the bathtub to satisfy my hopeless little heart. This is the one where you flirt with, possibly bumping them flirtatiously, or playfully brushing up against their hand while watching a movie on the couch, just to see how they react. They don’t move when you do this or seem repulsed by your flirting, but they also may not grab your hand either and hold it as if it’s theirs. This lie just makes everything more confusing. Now you feel mixed signals. Just because they flirted back does not mean they like you. People like attention, especially if you are decent-looking and giving them the time of day. They soak it up like sponges sometimes without realizing that you actually are doing it for more than just the attention. Don’t be this person. I’ve been this person. I hate this person. Be bold and go after what you want wholeheartedly and have your heart ripped into a billion tiny pieces. I promise you will live to tell the story…maybe.
5.) This new person is so much better for me
Ok so you finally decided to date someone else whilst still being friends with your “true love”. This person is probably good-looking and kind to you. They say the right things and give you an occasional laugh. This is all great, but if in the back of your mind you still wish you were hanging with your old crush then this means you aren’t over them and you are just squandering time with this new person. This person doesn’t care as much about your passions, and doesn’t get your quirky jokes. It is completely understandable because you had a comfort zone with your crush, maybe you still do. This one is perhaps the most cringe-worthy because you finally accept that no one will even come close to being like your unrequited love, and your heart aches, and you will sit here alone and watch them marry someone else. There are always cats!
I hope you enjoyed my not so humorous humor about being friendzoned. If this is you, get out as fast as you can. Fall in love with tacos instead. Tacos never disappoint.
My mind is made up of ribbons
My heart is tied with ropes
The years have worn on their edges causing them to fray
Untie the knots and let the ribbons fly
Undress my mind, pull it apart and see what you find
If you dare get close enough to touch
Maybe my eyes can’t see what’s in front of me
I looked too far into the future staring too closely at the sun
You have to exist somewhere
In the space between trees
Across the waves of the seven seas
There has to be you….there has to be the one that will make me come undone
I’m just trying to find somewhere that feels like home. A place to be comfortable and look up at the sky knowing it won’t all come crashing down in the blink of an eye. I tried to climb the highest mountain to see what I have yet to find, but all I see is smoke that hazes out the direction I want to go in. I tried to run fast enough to take off into the sky, but gravity kept me down. My skin was stretched too tight and nothing ever fits the way I feel. For now I have the labyrinth of mirrors that reflects back a person I do not recognize, but I’ll race through that maze as fast as I can trying to find the light. I’m just trying to find somewhere that feels like home. I am trying to find you.